CHAPTER 3 is this readable as a link?

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CHAPTER 3 is this readable as a link?

For Stevie this was her first experience of ambulance transport and despite her aching head she almost enjoyed the mile or so trip along Norwood and Hull Bridge road with siren blaring and at a speed her little blue mini would never have dared to travel
Frogmore for his part seemed to be out of the experience and though no longer tied up and carpet bound he lay on a stretcher moaning about having to leave his gallery unattended.
Eventually unable to bear his complaints any longer Stevie tried to put a stop to them, raising a smile on the face of the constable riding with them.
 'Do shut up you ungrateful creature. You should be glad we're alive and anyway the police are at the gallery. In fact your precious paintings will be better guarded than when you were there looking after them this morning. How did the thieves get in anyway? I suppose they rang the bell and you let them in.'
At that Frogmore seemed to pull himself together and half sat up. He glared at her through eyes still blood shot from the bang he had received on his head.
'I was in the basement as a matter of fact and I don't know how they got in. But that I intend to find out.'  The momentary effort of  showing his determination seemed to drain his strength and he closed his eyes and sank back onto his pillow.
 The policeman broke the ensuing silence and Stevie threw him an embarresed smile already half regretting her outburst. Her words had sounded unsympathetic, she knew, but  after all she too had been bashed over her head and tied up.
'Not long now, Sir. You'll soon be at the hospital where they can sort you out. '
At that, as if having second thoughts, Frogmore sat up again and this time directing his comment directly at Stevie he said:   'And, incidentally, you really shouldn't talk to your boss like that.'
'Boss! But..'
'That's if you still want the job. Not a good introduction I know, but from what I've seen of you I think you would be ideal. I'd already checked you out so if you want to come and work with me I'd be grateful. Besides I'll urgently need somebody to work on the insurance claims and...'
Stevie, irritated by the fact he'd 'checked her out' and wondering how exactly he'd done this, interrupted.
'Actually, now's not the time to be talking about jobs. Don't you think we had better get our heads sorted out before we start talking about the future. I for one can't even see straight never mind think about what terms and conditions we would need to sort out.'
But in her heart she rejoiced. The £ signs on the imaginary bank statement hovering inside her aching head were now painted in a fading red.
'Yes. Well. Of course, but..'
Already Stevie was getting used to Frogmore's indecisive manner. If  she did go to work at the gallery, she thought , it would not be him making day to day decisions.
 She had done some 'checking out' herself and from what details she had already gained on the internet about him he was not a major player in the art world. So how come he had been in a position to finance a gallery?    
She continued to ponder on this until minutes later, with the siren and flashing blue lights clearing the way past cars and lorries in Swinemoor Lane,  the ambulance drew into the parking lot at the hospital.
The sign posts at the entrance to this relatively new hospital informed visitors it was a minor injuries centre which also hosted a great many consultation clinics. Built on what used to be called a flood plain its entrance and car parks stood high on a man made slope. A small roundabout  close to the entrance of sliding glass doors. led to an ambulance bay where the vehicle stopped.
With a  policeman in attendance they were whizzed speedily past a couple of patients clad in dressings gowns standing outside the doors. Coughing and wheezing as they indulged their outlawed tobacco habit they appeared not to notice the newcomers. Then through a crowded waiting area to the head of a short queue  at reception where Stevie and Frogmore were dealt with at a break neck speed.
  At once led in different directions each was directed into a consultation room. Stevie surmised this would be the last she would see of Frogmore that morning.  This thought rang a few alarm bells in her throbbing head. Where and how would they continue the negotiations regarding her employment? Remembering his indecision she guessed it would be up to her to make the effort.
'Come on Stevie,' a nurse whose name was Brenda, according to a small label adorning her impressive blue clad chest, addressed her patient whilst aiding her to climb up the short step ladder onto an examination couch.
 'Doctor'll be here in a moment. I wouldn't worry. I'm sure you'll live to tell the tale. The wounds are only superficial. But I guess you'll need an X-ray on the head. Just to make sure. '
And smiling broadly she paused at the door before leaving. 'Okay, Stevie? Buzzer by the bed if you need anything.'
  Lying prone on the far from comfortable examination couch Stevie surmised Frogmore was about to receive the same expert professional treatment as was she.
Time passed slowly and Stevie soon tired of reading the various posters and leaflets adorning the walls. Her thoughts turned to the changes in modern everyday culture. Since when, she wondered, had it become customary for everyone in the world to be addressed by their first name.
This notion took her along a new inquisitive path and as she pondered for a while on how courtesies change over the years, she recalled how  the policeman had addressed Frogmore as sir. Was that a courtesy reserved for victims or did members of the constabulary also address the villains as sir?  
As the more than a few moments which Brenda had indicated might pass before the doctor arrived stretched out into minutes, then tens of minutes, Stevie, a person unused to sitting still and unoccupied for any length of time, got off the bed and began to walk about the room.
 Her movements helped her mind to concentrate and her thinking began to chrytallise on her current situation.  This allowed her to think over all that had happened to her since her moment of euphoria under the shower that morning.
Little had she imagined she would end up in the hands of thieves. Or was it only one thief? Maybe he was not after the pictures but only some cash. But in that case why had he tied up Frogmore? I wonder what Frogmore's  first name is. Something like Eustace I suppose. His details on the internet merely stated E.  Actually now I think about it the information was pretty sparce.  All very mysterious. Anyway my head aches too much to really worry about it all right now.
As Brenda had warned and the doctor confirmed she was to be x-rayed. Another wait and more time to think.
In any case it seems I landed the job. That's if Frogmore really meant what he said in the ambulance.  Not a bad sort, I suppose. Bit scatterbrained though.  What confuses me is that even if as he said he was in the basement when the thieves arrived, he did not explain how  they got in?? All sounds a bit fishy to me.
Her thinking was interrupted by the arrival of  another medical person who trundled her off for the promised x-ray. That done and when she was back in her room a different doctor, appearing to Stevie to be little older than her fifteen year old nephew, examined the results of her Xray and assured her before disappearing with a cheery goodbye that no serious damage had been done to her brain,
Finally yet another nurse dressed the wound on her head and those on her wrists and ankles and told her with a surety Stevie herself did not feel, that a couple of pain-killers now and again would take away the pain in her head and that she was free to go.  And with that she was deposited by a another smiling assistant back in the reception area.
   Co-incidentally Frogmore, having undergone his own examinations, was also being discharged at around the same time.  As Stevie approached the reception desk to check herself out and hand in her patient notes she realised Frogmore  was in the midst of some sort of altercation with the woman behind the desk.
   'That's all very well,' he shouted as Stevie approached. 'How then am I supposed to get back into Beverley centre? Covered in bandages like this.'
    When he saw Stevie he directed his ire at her instead of the receptionist, drawing her into his equation. 'Can you believe it. She's telling me we have to make our own way back. Reckons there will be  a bus in about ten minutes. And us looking like a couple of mummies with all these dressings.'
   'Mr Frogmore.' Stevie for the first time in what would turn out to be dozens in the coming weeks, put her hand on his shoulder, turned him away from the desk , and told him in efficient tones, 'Sit down, calm down, and just leave it all to me.'  
   Then smiling sweetly at the receptionist she asked her to order a taxi and added quietly to herself as she led him to a chair close to the door. 'Takes more than a few bandages to create a mummy. But not a lot to create a....'
  She was about to say dummy, but then thought better of it.  Frogmore, whatever else he was, was no idiot.  He would never have been able to negotiate the setting up of the gallery on Saturday Market had this been the case.
   He really had to have hidden talents, she thought, as well as being rather a dish under the bandages.
   Where on earth did that thought creep up from?  I haven't really even seen his face properly let alone the rest of him. Still, compared to Will......Oh, my God, get back under your stone, Will. Must be the bang on my head. No way are you getting back into my life.
    All thinking was put on hold as she shepherded Frogmore into the taxi which travelled a whole lot slower than the ambulance earlier that morning. They did not speak a word, each enclosed in their bowl of private thoughts. When  the taxi stopped outside the gallery and the impatient driver held out a palm for the fare it was Stevie who paid. Luckily even though her bag remained inside the gallery she still carried a few pound coins in her pocket.
   Frogmore, by the time she caught up with him was getting angry with the policeman on the door of the gallery.
  'I'm sorry, Sir. The gallery is closed today May I suggest you come back later. Perhaps in a couple of days time. No Sir. I can't admit you. A crime has been committed and....'
          Stevie led her irate 'boss' away from the gallery, saying as she did so:
         'C'm on.We'll sort things out later. We both need a cuppa and something to eat. I suggest we go round and see what Thierry is cooking up at La Patisserie. It's a bit early but he'll have something ready I'm sure. You know the place?  Just around the corner in Lairgate. Fantastic food. I often eat there.'
         No opposition to her suggestion, nor did he seem to object to her taking charge. The bells of both St Mary's and the Minster rang out as if in confirmation of their new relationship as they crossed the cobbles.
       The door to La Patisserie stood open permitting delicious food aromas to escape and lure in passers by. As luck would have it Thierry had just served a client close to the door and led them personally to a table for two at the rear of his tiny French Bistro type restaurant.
     'Bon appetit' he said to the other lone diner as he tactfully ignored their absurd headgear. Stevie felt sure he must have heard of the burglary at the gallery. News is shared speedily in Beverley and a break in is a pretty rare happening in this small East Yorkshire town even though it is situated so close to the busy Humber sea ports of Hull and Immingham.
     The menu at lunchtime at La Patisserie is not extensive but Stevie knew that whatever she ordered from it would be excellent. She chose a Lasagne  and persuaded Frogmore to do the same as even when the waitress arrived to take their orders he still seemed  unable to select a dish.
    'Come on, Mr Frogmore, she's waiting. Why not have the Lasagne. It is always superb here. And we can choose a dessert later if we fancy one.'
    Glancing at her over the menu card, his eyes expressing something Stevie did not at first understand, he spoke first to the waitress. 'Yes, I'll have the same, thank you.'
    Then turning to Stevie as he placed the menu card next to his glass he said 'For goodness sake stop being so bossy.  I don't usually eat a large meal in the middle of the day and was merely trying to recall whether I would be eating out tonight. And stop calling me Mr Frogmore. Makes me feel as if I'm in my dotage when in fact I'm only a year or two older than you.'
   'What should I call you then?'  Stevie recalled her previous thoughts about his name and hoped it would turn out to be better than the Eustace she had imagined.
   'Most people call me Frog. That's what you should do.'
   'Frog!'
   'Yes Frog. Not Froggy, or any other variation.'
   'But.' Stevie could not stop herself asking. 'What's the E stand for? What's your first name.'
   'Not going to tell you. It's never used. Just Frog.  And I see I'm not the only one who has done a bit of checking out!   Bon Appetit.'
    His smile, a wry amused twisting of his lips which momentarily creased his cheeks and emphasised the few wrinkles around his eyes, for a second threw Stevie but then she smiled back. Confirmation of her thoughts, she decided, on first seeing the logo on the door of the gallery. She would enjoy working with somebody with a sense of humour.
      And with that they both started into the Lasagne which had just arrived at the table.  For several minutes neither spoke as they did justice to Theirry's outstanding cooking.
   
   
RosannaMarie RosannaMarie
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RosannaMarie RosannaMarie
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Trying to add my file for you. Will keep trying.
RosannaMarie
RosannaMarie RosannaMarie
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Re: CHAPTER 3 is this readable as a link?

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These are my humble suggestions. Most are grammar or misspellings. Good job...keep up the suspense. Sorry I could not figure out how to send you the document by e-mail.
Rosanna Marie

For Stevie this was her first experience of ambulance transport and despite her aching head she almost enjoyed the mile or so trip along Norwood and Hull Bridge road with siren blaring and at a speed her little blue mini would never have dared to travel.

Frogmore for his part seemed to be out of the experience and though no longer tied up and carpet bound, he lay on a stretcher moaning about having to leave his gallery unattended.
Eventually unable to bear his complaints any longer Stevie tried to put a stop to them, raising a smile on the face of the constable riding with them.

 'Do shut up you ungrateful creature. You should be glad we're alive and anyway the police are at the gallery. In fact your precious paintings will be better guarded than when you were there looking after them this morning. How did the thieves get in anyway? (too many anyways) I suppose they rang the bell and you let them in.'

At that Frogmore seemed to pull himself together and half sat up. He glared at her through eyes still blood shot from the bang he had received on his head.

'I was in the basement as a matter of fact and I don't know how they got in. But that I intend to find out.'  The momentary effort of  showing his determination seemed to drain his strength and he closed his eyes and sank back onto his pillow. Nice

 The policeman broke the ensuing silence and Stevie threw him an embarrassed smile already half regretting her outburst. Her words had sounded unsympathetic, she knew, but  after all she too had been bashed over her head and tied up.

'Not long now, Sir. You'll soon be at the hospital where they can sort you out. '
At that, as if having second thoughts, Frogmore sat up again and this time directing his comment directly at Stevie he said:   'And, incidentally, you really shouldn't talk to your boss like that.'

'Boss! But..'

'That's if you still want the job. Not a good introduction I know, but from what I've seen of you I think you would be ideal. I'd already checked you out so if you want to come and work with me I'd be grateful. Besides I'll urgently need somebody to work on the insurance claims and...'

Stevie, irritated by the fact he'd 'checked her out' and wondering how exactly he'd done this, interrupted.

'Actually, now's not the time to be talking about jobs. Don't you think we had better get our heads sorted out before we start talking about the future? I for one can't even see straight never mind think about what terms and conditions we would need to sort out.'

But in her heart she rejoiced. The £ signs on the imaginary bank statement hovering inside her aching head were now painted in a fading red.

'Yes. Well. Of course, but..'

Already Stevie was getting used to Frogmore's indecisive manner. If  she did go to work at the gallery, she thought, it would not be him making day to day decisions.

 She had done some 'checking out' herself and from what details she had already gained on the internet about him, he was not a major player in the art world. So how come he had been in a position to finance a gallery?    

She continued to ponder on this until minutes later, with the siren and flashing blue lights clearing the way past cars and lorries in Swinemoor Lane,  the ambulance drew into the parking lot at the hospital.
The sign posts at the entrance to this relatively new hospital informed visitors it was a minor injuries centre which also hosted a great many consultation clinics. Built on what used to be called a flood plain its entrance and car parks stood high on a man made slope. A small roundabout close to the entrance of sliding glass doors led to an ambulance bay where the vehicle stopped.

With a  policeman in attendance they were whizzed speedily past a couple of patients clad in dressing gowns standing outside the doors. Coughing and wheezing as they indulged their outlawed tobacco habit they appeared not to notice the newcomers. Then through a crowded waiting area to the head of a short queue  at reception where Stevie and Frogmore were dealt with at a break neck speed. Fix this

At once led in different directions each was directed into a consultation room. Stevie surmised this would be the last she would see of Frogmore that morning.  This thought rang a few alarm bells in her throbbing head. Where and how would they continue the negotiations regarding her employment? Remembering his indecision she guessed it would be up to her to make the effort.

'Come on, Stevie,' a nurse whose name was Brenda, according to a small label adorning her impressive blue clad chest, addressed her patient whilst aiding her to climb up the short step ladder onto an examination couch.

 'Doctor'll (–is this a word?) be here in a moment. I wouldn't worry. I'm sure you'll live to tell the tale. The wounds are only superficial. But I guess you'll need an X-ray on the head. Just to make sure. '
And smiling broadly she paused at the door before leaving. 'Okay, Stevie? Buzzer by the bed if you need anything.'

Lying prone on the far from comfortable examination couch Stevie surmised Frogmore was about to receive the same expert professional treatment as was she.

Time passed slowly and Stevie soon tired of reading the various posters and leaflets adorning the walls. Her thoughts turned to the changes in modern everyday culture. Since when, she wondered, had it become customary for everyone in the world to be addressed by their first name. I thought that also!

This notion took her along a new inquisitive path and as she pondered for a while on how courtesies change over the years, she recalled how  the policeman had addressed Frogmore as sir. Was that a courtesy reserved for victims or did members of the constabulary also address the villains as sir?  
 
As the more than a few moments which Brenda had indicated might pass before the doctor arrived stretched out into minutes, then tens of minutes, Stevie, a person unused to sitting still and unoccupied for any length of time, got off the bed and began to walk about the room.

 Her movements helped her mind to concentrate and her thinking began to crystallize on her current situation.  This allowed her to think over all that had happened to her since her moment of euphoria under the shower that morning.

Little had she imagined she would end up in the hands of thieves. Or was it only one thief? Maybe he was not after the pictures but only some cash. But in that case why had he tied up Frogmore? I wonder what Frogmore's  first name is. Something like Eustace I suppose. His details on the internet merely stated E.  Actually now I think about it the information was pretty sparse.  All very mysterious. Anyway my head aches too much to really worry about it all right now.

As Brenda had warned and the doctor confirmed she was to be x-rayed. Another wait and more time to think.

In any case (repetitive from above) it seems I landed the job. That's if Frogmore really meant what he said in the ambulance.  Not a bad sort, I suppose. Bit scatterbrained though.  What confuses me is that even if as he said (not necessary) he was in the basement when the thieves arrived, he did not explain how  they got in?? All (not needed) Sounds a bit fishy to me.

Her thinking was interrupted by the arrival of  another medical person who trundled her off for the promised x-ray. That done and when she was back in her room a different doctor, appearing (to Stevie—omit--not necess) to be little older than her fifteen year old nephew, examined the results of her Xray and assured her before disappearing with a cheery goodbye that no serious damage had been done to her brain, Redo this

Finally yet another nurse dressed the wound on her head and those on her wrists and ankles and told her with a surety Stevie herself did not feel, that a couple of pain-killers now and again would take away the pain in her head and that she was free to go.  And(not necess) With that she was deposited by  another smiling assistant back in the reception area.

Co-incidentally Frogmore, having undergone his own examinations, was also being discharged at around the same time.  As Stevie approached the reception desk to check herself out and hand in her patient notes she realized Frogmore  was in the midst of some sort of altercation with the woman behind the desk.

'That's all very well,' he shouted as Stevie approached. 'How then am I supposed to get back into Beverley centre? Covered in bandages like this.'

When he saw Stevie he directed his ire at her instead of the receptionist, drawing her into his equation. 'Can you believe it? She's telling me we have to make our own way back. Reckons there will be a bus in about ten minutes. And us looking like a couple of mummies with all these dressings.'

'Mr Frogmore....'

For the first time in what would turn out to be dozens in the coming weeks, Stevie put her hand on his shoulder, turned him away from the desk and told him in efficient tones, 'Sit down, calm down, and just leave it all to me.'  
 
Then smiling sweetly at the receptionist she asked her to order a taxi. Stevie added quietly to herself as she led him to a chair close to the door, 'Takes more than a few bandages to create a mummy. But not a lot to create a....'

 She was about to say dummy, but then thought better of it.  Frogmore, whatever else he was, was no idiot.  He would never have been able to negotiate the setting up of the gallery on Saturday Market had this been the case.

 He really had to have hidden talents, she thought, as well as being rather a dish under the bandages.
 
Where on earth did that thought creep up from? nice  I haven't really even seen his face properly let alone the rest of him. Still, compared to Will......Oh, my God, get back under your stone, Will. Must be the bang on my head. No way are you getting back into my life. nice

All thinking was put on hold as she shepherded Frogmore into the taxi which traveled a whole lot slower than the ambulance earlier that morning. They did not speak a word, each enclosed in their bowl of private thoughts. When  the taxi stopped outside the gallery and the impatient driver held out a palm for the fare it was Stevie who paid. Luckily even though her bag remained inside the gallery she still carried a few pound coins in her pocket.

   Frogmore, by the time she caught up with him was getting angry with the policeman on the door of the gallery.

  'I'm sorry, Sir. The gallery is closed today May I suggest you come back later. Perhaps in a couple of days time. No Sir. I can't admit you. A crime has been committed and....'

Stevie led her irate 'boss' away from the gallery saying, 'C'mon. We'll sort things out later. We both need a cuppa and something to eat. I suggest we go round and see what Thierry is cooking up at La Patisserie. It's a bit early but he'll have something ready I'm sure. You know the place?  Just around the corner in Lairgate. Fantastic food. I often eat there.'

         No opposition to her suggestion, nor did he seem to object to her taking charge. The bells of both St Mary's and the Minster rang out as if in confirmation of their new relationship as they crossed the cobbles.

       The door to La Patisserie stood open permitting delicious food aromas to escape and lure in passers by. As luck would have it Thierry had just served a client close to the door and led them personally to a table for two at the rear of his tiny French Bistro type restaurant.

     'Bon appetit' he said to the other lone diner as he tactfully ignored their absurd headgear. Stevie felt sure he must have heard of the burglary at the gallery. News is shared speedily in Beverley and a break in is a pretty rare happening in this small East Yorkshire town even though it is situated so close to the busy Humber sea ports of Hull and Immingham.

     The menu at lunchtime at La Patisserie is not extensive but Stevie knew that whatever she ordered from it would be excellent. She chose a lasagna and persuaded Frogmore to do the same. When the waitress arrived to take their orders he still seemed  unable to select a dish.
 
    'Come on, Mr. Frogmore, she's waiting. Why not have the lasagna? It is always superb here. And we can choose a dessert later if we fancy one.'

    Glancing at her over the menu card, his eyes expressing something Stevie did not at first understand, he spoke first to the waitress. 'Yes, I'll have the same, thank you.'

    Then turning to Stevie as he placed the menu card next to his glass he said, 'For goodness sake stop being so bossy.  I don't usually eat a large meal in the middle of the day and was merely trying to recall whether I would be eating out tonight. And stop calling me Mr. Frogmore. Makes me feel as if I'm in my dotage when in fact I'm only a year or two older than you.'
 
   'What should I call you then?'  Stevie recalled her previous thoughts about his name and hoped it would turn out to be better than the Eustace she had imagined.

   'Most people call me Frog. That's what you should do.'

   'Frog!'

   'Yes Frog. Not Froggy, or any other variation.'

   'But.' Stevie could not stop herself asking. 'What's the E stand for? What's your first name?'

   'Not going to tell you. It's never used. Just Frog.  And I see I'm not the only one who has done a bit of checking out!   Bon Appetit.'

    His smile, a wry amused twisting of his lips which momentarily creased his cheeks and emphasized the few wrinkles around his eyes, for a second threw Stevie but then she smiled back. Confirmation of her thoughts, she decided, on first seeing the logo on the door of the gallery. She would enjoy working with somebody with a sense of humour.

      And with that they both started into the lasagna which had just arrived at the table.  For several minutes neither spoke as they did justice to Theirry's outstanding cooking.
   

RosannaMarie RosannaMarie
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Re: CHAPTER 3 is this readable as a link?

In reply to this post by rasti17
Rasti,

I see that no one else has commented on your chapter.

Suggestions:

1. Place the story in MY WORK FOR CRITIQUE
2. Use a program that will catch your grammar errors, etc.
3. The work was very long and I spent a large chunk of my time reviewing it. I think a lot of us are crunched so small bits are better.
4. Follow the emails that John has given us to improve our writings.

Don't get discouraged...keep on going.

Rosanna Marie



peggles peggles
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Re: CHAPTER 3 is this readable as a link?

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Hello rasti17'

 I think the previous reply covered any problems apparent in your post. I will just comment on my thoughts of the story itself.

Poor Frogmore certainly received little sympathy for his ordeals, from Steve but it appears her harsh words landed her a job.

I came with you during the hospital treatment but did feel it wondered on for a while.

Never the less  I was pleasantly surprised that at the end the ice block between them mealted away and a wiff of romance is suggested.

In all this was in engaging read finishing with a slice of humoresque banter which for me is always a plus.
I look forward to reading more.




peggles


rasti17 rasti17
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Re: CHAPTER 3 is this readable as a link?

In reply to this post by RosannaMarie

Thank you so much for your comments and all the time you spent on this. Generally I am pretty good at grammar and spelling and cannot imagine why I slipped up this time. Presumably even my spell check did not work this time either! Thanks for your helpful comments. I will taker it all on board.



On June 9, 2016, at 3:59 PM, "RosannaMarie [via Story PenPal]" <ml-node+[hidden email]> wrote:

Rasti,

I see that no one else has commented on your chapter.

Suggestions:

1. Place the story in MY WORK FOR CRITIQUE
2. Use a program that will catch your grammar errors, etc.
3. The work was very long and I spent a large chunk of my time reviewing it. I think a lot of us are crunched so small bits are better.
4. Follow the emails that John has given us to improve our writings.

Don't get discouraged...keep on going.

Rosanna Marie






If you reply to this email, your message will be added to the discussion below:
http://story-penpal.1118678.n5.nabble.com/CHAPTER-3-is-this-readable-as-a-link-tp5690p5740.html
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NAML
rasti17 rasti17
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In reply to this post by peggles

Thanks. Always good to receive feedback. I am really attempting to strengthen Frog's character in the next chapter. He is not as wimpish as I have painted him so far. In the long term plan this is part of his cover. Thanks again.



On June 10, 2016, at 8:57 AM, "peggles [via Story PenPal]" <ml-node+[hidden email]> wrote:

Hello rasti17'

 I think the previous reply covered any problems apparent in your post. I will just comment on my thoughts of the story itself.

Poor Frogmore certainly received little sympathy for his ordeals, from Steve but it appears her harsh words landed her a job.

I came with you during the hospital treatment but did feel it wondered on for a while.

Never the less  I was pleasantly surprised that at the end the ice block between them mealted away and a wiff of romance is suggested.

In all this was in engaging read finishing with a slice of humoresque banter which for me is always a plus.
I look forward to reading more.




peggles





If you reply to this email, your message will be added to the discussion below:
http://story-penpal.1118678.n5.nabble.com/CHAPTER-3-is-this-readable-as-a-link-tp5690p5749.html
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NAML
Bayleaf Bayleaf
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Re: CHAPTER 3 is this readable as a link?

In reply to this post by RosannaMarie
Hi Rasti

I liked the set up of your story, and felt bought-in (I hate that phrase - but its better than the ghastly 'invested in') the characters. Frogmore is a great name!

Rosanna Marie and Peggles made some good calls.

I thought you could cut quite a lot and give the story ambulance pace rather than taxi.

For example -

- the 2 paragraphs dealing with her thoughts on why first names are used and the policeman's more traditional 'sir' could be combined and shortened (or even taken out altogether - does it add to the narrative?)

- There seems to be a lot of talk about lasagna - I'm more interested in their burgeoning relationship than their food choice.

- The detail about the nature and lay-out of the hospital

And the times when you included Stevie's own thoughts confused me slightly as it seemed to turn from a third person view to first person. Perhaps tighten this up so the reader knows these are her thoughts (perhaps by putting them in itallics?)

I hope you feel my suggestions as constructive, but it is your story and must be written your way.

Martin


rasti17 rasti17
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Re: CHAPTER 3 is this readable as a link?

Thanks for your interest and comments. I take them all on board and re -think. I had already decided some of it needed the scissors!



On June 12, 2016, at 11:52 AM, "Bayleaf [via Story PenPal]" <ml-node+[hidden email]> wrote:

Hi Rasti

I liked the set up of your story, and felt bought-in (I hate that phrase - but its better than the ghastly 'invested in') the characters. Frogmore is a great name!

Rosanna Marie and Peggles made some good calls.

I thought you could cut quite a lot and give the story ambulance pace rather than taxi.

For example -

- the 2 paragraphs dealing with her thoughts on why first names are used and the policeman's more traditional 'sir' could be combined and shortened (or even taken out altogether - does it add to the narrative?)

- There seems to be a lot of talk about lasagna - I'm more interested in their burgeoning relationship than their food choice.

- The detail about the nature and lay-out of the hospital

And the times when you included Stevie's own thoughts confused me slightly as it seemed to turn from a third person view to first person. Perhaps tighten this up so the reader knows these are her thoughts (perhaps by putting them in itallics?)

I hope you feel my suggestions as constructive, but it is your story and must be written your way.

Martin





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elizabeth elizabeth
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Re: CHAPTER 3 is this readable as a link?

In reply to this post by rasti17
Hi, here are my comments:

The starting point (an ambulance) seems very good to me but if you plan to tell the story as a back story inside the ambulance, then I would use a narrator's voice as opposed to the dialogue between the two. You may need to establish some perspective in order to use 'ungrateful creature' --not sure if this was exactly the term-- in a way that it doesn't take the reader out of the story.

I think the points are good but the story needs to surface. Now, that said, I have posted what I called "chapter one" (not here) and it was not chapter one (just so people wouldn't have to guess what had happened in chapter one, but I realized that it was not a good idea, so I now keep the chapter accurately labeled).

Another aspect you may want to address is the fact that the details don't seem  related to the plot and it may get confusing for the reader.  If this was my draft I would decide the plot by summarizing the event (is always easier to see the plot when I summarize it); making sure I wrote in my notes "what happened?"; "when it happened and to whom" and perhaps "why".

From my own experience, I had to learn to distinguish when I was confusing the reader thinking that I was leading him to a suspense plot but instead being unclear and not having a plot at all, and when I genuinely found out the thread of my plot and only create necessary deviations that were intrinsically part of the plot and not a device that would discourage the reader to continue my story. That was my journey and yours may be different, but I thought that sharing this with you may have some value. I hope it does.

I also agree that reading in one block can be a bit difficult and it would be more appealing if you create spaced and paragraphs (they say "we read with our eyes"...just kidding).

Wishing you a great day, and, keek up the good work and discard the rest :)
Elizabeth
rasti17 rasti17
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Re: CHAPTER 3 is this readable as a link?

Thanks for your comments. I had assumed, I guess, that people would have read my 1 and 2 chapters and seen the relevance in 3. My error. I now understand from comments that the Forum is better used for short pieces I.e. character building and so on. I intend to use it like this in future. Thanks again.



On June 18, 2016, at 5:54 PM, "elizabeth [via Story PenPal]" <ml-node+[hidden email]> wrote:

Hi, here are my comments:

The starting point (an ambulance) seems very good to me but if you plan to tell the story as a back story inside the ambulance, then I would use a narrator's voice as opposed to the dialogue between the two. You may need to establish some perspective in order to use 'ungrateful creature' --not sure if this was exactly the term-- in a way that it doesn't take the reader out of the story.

I think the points are good but the story needs to surface. Now, that said, I have posted what I called "chapter one" (not here) and it was not chapter one (just so people wouldn't have to guess what had happened in chapter one, but I realized that it was not a good idea, so I now keep the chapter accurately labeled).

Another aspect you may want to address is the fact that the details don't seem  related to the plot and it may get confusing for the reader.  If this was my draft I would decide the plot by summarizing the event (is always easier to see the plot when I summarize it); making sure I wrote in my notes "what happened?"; "when it happened and to whom" and perhaps "why".

From my own experience, I had to learn to distinguish when I was confusing the reader thinking that I was leading him to a suspense plot but instead being unclear and not having a plot at all, and when I genuinely found out the thread of my plot and only create necessary deviations that were intrinsically part of the plot and not a device that would discourage the reader to continue my story. That was my journey and yours may be different, but I thought that sharing this with you may have some value. I hope it does.

I also agree that reading in one block can be a bit difficult and it would be more appealing if you create spaced and paragraphs (they say "we read with our eyes"...just kidding).

Wishing you a great day, and, keek up the good work and discard the rest :)
Elizabeth


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rasti17 rasti17
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Re: CHAPTER 3 is this readable as a link?

In reply to this post by elizabeth

I guess I made the mistake of believing that most people might have read my chapters 1 and 2 and having done that would understand where 3 was coming from. Now I have learned that the Forum really prefers short paragraphs for comment and I will stick to this in the future. Thanks very much for your comments and interest. I make a point of listening to all comments and find them absorbing and challenging. Happy writing.



On June 18, 2016, at 5:54 PM, "elizabeth [via Story PenPal]" <ml-node+[hidden email]> wrote:

Hi, here are my comments:

The starting point (an ambulance) seems very good to me but if you plan to tell the story as a back story inside the ambulance, then I would use a narrator's voice as opposed to the dialogue between the two. You may need to establish some perspective in order to use 'ungrateful creature' --not sure if this was exactly the term-- in a way that it doesn't take the reader out of the story.

I think the points are good but the story needs to surface. Now, that said, I have posted what I called "chapter one" (not here) and it was not chapter one (just so people wouldn't have to guess what had happened in chapter one, but I realized that it was not a good idea, so I now keep the chapter accurately labeled).

Another aspect you may want to address is the fact that the details don't seem  related to the plot and it may get confusing for the reader.  If this was my draft I would decide the plot by summarizing the event (is always easier to see the plot when I summarize it); making sure I wrote in my notes "what happened?"; "when it happened and to whom" and perhaps "why".

From my own experience, I had to learn to distinguish when I was confusing the reader thinking that I was leading him to a suspense plot but instead being unclear and not having a plot at all, and when I genuinely found out the thread of my plot and only create necessary deviations that were intrinsically part of the plot and not a device that would discourage the reader to continue my story. That was my journey and yours may be different, but I thought that sharing this with you may have some value. I hope it does.

I also agree that reading in one block can be a bit difficult and it would be more appealing if you create spaced and paragraphs (they say "we read with our eyes"...just kidding).

Wishing you a great day, and, keek up the good work and discard the rest :)
Elizabeth


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abit2kish abit2kish
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Re: CHAPTER 3 is this readable as a link?

In reply to this post by rasti17
Rasti17,

I have to tell you first off that I truly enjoyed reading your story!

Dialogue is a tricky thing, at least for me, but I think you did a super job of it. I'd love to read more of this interesting tale.

Good job.

Peg
rasti17 rasti17
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Re: CHAPTER 3 is this readable as a link?

Thanks for your contact. Hope you enjoy the next chapter soon.



On June 21, 2016, at 10:47 PM, "abit2kish [via Story PenPal]" <ml-node+[hidden email]> wrote:

Rasti17,

I have to tell you first off that I truly enjoyed reading your story!

Dialogue is a tricky thing, at least for me, but I think you did a super job of it. I'd love to read more of this interesting tale.

Good job.

Peg


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