I must be really thick skulled.

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Ray Ray
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I must be really thick skulled.

Too many moving parts. I'm Ray and I'll be hanging around. I am that old-man sitting by the pot-bellied stove spinning yarns. Love to tell stories and like reading them too. By the way I am Ray. I'd be glad to look at anyone's story. and if you want I will critique it. but I too need to be critiqued.
John Yeoman John Yeoman
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Re: I must be really thick skulled.

Welcome, Ray. You've arrived!  To get your story critiqued, click the title of the sub-forum My work for critique. That gets you into that sub-forum. Click New Post. Paste your passage in from Notepad or Word. (Don't try to type it in word for word. Tedium lies that way...) Then hit Preview, and - if you're happy with it -  Post.

Members will then see your work and give you feedback.

For tips on the critique process and navigating the site, click on the link How do you critique a passage? [etc] at top of the page.

Welcome again!
Ray Ray
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Re: I must be really thick skulled.

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I'm still lost, but that's nothing new. I'm trying to find that sub-forum.
My fingers are itching to get a little feed-back.
Ray Ray
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Re: I must be really thick skulled.

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It was hump day. Four o’clock in the afternoon, George Kalama was watching as the sun, something he hadn’t seen in more than a few days, was sinking into the Pacific, it had become a back light putting the famous San Francisco Financial District, which provided the skyline of San Francisco with several impressive high-rise buildings into shadow, like the store fronts on a movie set.  The Transamerica “Pyramid” Building, the tallest building in the city, rising over 800 feet into the sky and providing an imposing dominance over the other buildings in the area. Another impressive structure that also dominates the skyline of San Francisco stands at 210 feet high at the top of Telegraph Hill, the Coit Tower. With a hand cuffed just above his eyebrow, he was looking out past the bay into the setting sun, and feeling its warmth on his face. There was a chill in the air but he could feel the warmth as the sun was even further behind the skyline into the cold gray the Pacific. The midweek tourists were down to a trickle on Fisherman’s Wharf.
A person looking at George’s girth might think that he was just some fat Hawaiian, on some kind of gastronomic holiday.
George sensed someone standing not far behind. He didn’t turn his head, but he did smell the combination of spices; mainly cumin, and a hint of oregano. The hair on the back of his neck was standing at attention. Without making any sudden moves he put his hands in the beltline in the front of his khakis where he felt the long skinny shape of his butterfly knife. The butterfly knife was developed in the Philippines, some people called it a fan knife because of the way it opens.  The Filipinos, and others from the South Pacific find it quicker than a switch blade, plus there is no spring. It just takes the flick of the wrist. He sensed body heat getting close. He tightened his grip on the knife.
“Hey you da Samoan?” said a lean curly headed brown skinned Hispanic. No answer, just a head nod.  Walking around the bench, and sitting beside him. “You da one that wanted a face to face?”  
Without turning is head. “I do not know. Are you here to talk a deal?”
“Yeah. I’m the one that talked to you.”
“You don know if you are the Samoan? You got balls showin up here by yourself. I never seen you before.”
“I am the Samoan. Now you want to do business?”
I’m the Cholo you talked to. I do not think I ever saw a Samoan before. I just thought you was some fat Hawaiian tourist.”
“Heard you Mission Street Cholos might want to do a little business.?”
“How do I know you ain’t the man?”
George was up and behind the want-a-be gangsta with a fist full of black curly hair, his other hand with an opened butterfly knife at his neck. “Now let’s stop playing games. You put the word out dat you wanted to talk to me.” George dropped his hand away from the Mexican’s throat, and lowering his knife.
The gang banger turned to face George, and in a whisper said, “You know there is more than a few Mission Street Cholos watchin us right now.”
Taking his left hand out of the Mexican’s hair, and pointing to what looked like a fish processing plant. “Go ahead turn your head. You see that empty window?”
“Yeah I see the empty window.”
“Well hombre, that window ain’t empty. Before any of your compadres can squeeze off a round, your throat will be slit, or my friend will put a round between your eyes. Oh yeah. He is very good at what he does.”
All the gang-banger saw was a blur, and the Samoan was once again behind him. Without moving his head, the lean Hispanic spoke very clearly, “Hombre, what are you? You move way too fast for a fat man.”
“Don’t ever underestimate me. I’m two of you, and no matter what you heard about lazy Samoans, this Samoan can get real mean.  So don’t piss me off.”
Ray Ray
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Re: I must be really thick skulled.

Still don't know how to submit something for a critique.


On Thursday, May 26, 2016 11:29 AM, Ray [via Story PenPal] <[hidden email]> wrote:


It was hump day. Four o’clock in the afternoon, George Kalama was watching as the sun, something he hadn’t seen in more than a few days, was sinking into the Pacific, it had become a back light putting the famous San Francisco Financial District, which provided the skyline of San Francisco with several impressive high-rise buildings into shadow, like the store fronts on a movie set.  The Transamerica “Pyramid” Building, the tallest building in the city, rising over 800 feet into the sky and providing an imposing dominance over the other buildings in the area. Another impressive structure that also dominates the skyline of San Francisco stands at 210 feet high at the top of Telegraph Hill, the Coit Tower. With a hand cuffed just above his eyebrow, he was looking out past the bay into the setting sun, and feeling its warmth on his face. There was a chill in the air but he could feel the warmth as the sun was even further behind the skyline into the cold gray the Pacific. The midweek tourists were down to a trickle on Fisherman’s Wharf.
A person looking at George’s girth might think that he was just some fat Hawaiian, on some kind of gastronomic holiday.
George sensed someone standing not far behind. He didn’t turn his head, but he did smell the combination of spices; mainly cumin, and a hint of oregano. The hair on the back of his neck was standing at attention. Without making any sudden moves he put his hands in the beltline in the front of his khakis where he felt the long skinny shape of his butterfly knife. The butterfly knife was developed in the Philippines, some people called it a fan knife because of the way it opens.  The Filipinos, and others from the South Pacific find it quicker than a switch blade, plus there is no spring. It just takes the flick of the wrist. He sensed body heat getting close. He tightened his grip on the knife.
“Hey you da Samoan?” said a lean curly headed brown skinned Hispanic. No answer, just a head nod.  Walking around the bench, and sitting beside him. “You da one that wanted a face to face?”  
Without turning is head. “I do not know. Are you here to talk a deal?”
“Yeah. I’m the one that talked to you.”
“You don know if you are the Samoan? You got balls showin up here by yourself. I never seen you before.”
“I am the Samoan. Now you want to do business?”
I’m the Cholo you talked to. I do not think I ever saw a Samoan before. I just thought you was some fat Hawaiian tourist.”
“Heard you Mission Street Cholos might want to do a little business.?”
“How do I know you ain’t the man?”
George was up and behind the want-a-be gangsta with a fist full of black curly hair, his other hand with an opened butterfly knife at his neck. “Now let’s stop playing games. You put the word out dat you wanted to talk to me.” George dropped his hand away from the Mexican’s throat, and lowering his knife.
The gang banger turned to face George, and in a whisper said, “You know there is more than a few Mission Street Cholos watchin us right now.”
Taking his left hand out of the Mexican’s hair, and pointing to what looked like a fish processing plant. “Go ahead turn your head. You see that empty window?”
“Yeah I see the empty window.”
“Well hombre, that window ain’t empty. Before any of your compadres can squeeze off a round, your throat will be slit, or my friend will put a round between your eyes. Oh yeah. He is very good at what he does.”
All the gang-banger saw was a blur, and the Samoan was once again behind him. Without moving his head, the lean Hispanic spoke very clearly, “Hombre, what are you? You move way too fast for a fat man.”
“Don’t ever underestimate me. I’m two of you, and no matter what you heard about lazy Samoans, this Samoan can get real mean.  So don’t piss me off.”



If you reply to this email, your message will be added to the discussion below:
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NAML


RosannaMarie RosannaMarie
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Re: I must be really thick skulled.

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Welcome, Ray!!

You'll get used to the format. It takes a bit.

It is too late to critique tonight, but I will look at your story tomorrow.

Just wanted to say hi to a newcomer!!

Rosanna Marie
abit2kish abit2kish
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Re: I must be really thick skulled.

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Hi Ray,

Read your story and found it interesting. Would read more.  

I'm among the least equipped to offer substantive advice on the elements of writing, per se. But am happy to give you first impressions and gut reactions  I'll give you what I've got.

Did you ever figure out how to post in the Critique Requested section? If not, just a quick note: look at the very top left corner. Click on Story Penpal. Once you're there you should be able to scroll down past the "Hello-Introduction" section. The 2nd section is the one you want. Just open it and start a new thread there with your story.

If there's something in particular that you're wanting help with, it's been suggested that you put that down so folks will know what type of feedback you're looking for.

Best regards,

Peg
Ray Ray
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Re: I must be really thick skulled.

Thanks, I thought I had it, but then I tried again and nothing. I did sign up for help.
Sounds pretty simple.


On Tuesday, June 21, 2016 5:25 PM, abit2kish [via Story PenPal] <[hidden email]> wrote:


Hi Ray,

Read your story and found it interesting. Would read more.  

I'm among the least equipped to offer substantive advice on the elements of writing, per se. But am happy to give you first impressions and gut reactions  I'll give you what I've got.

Did you ever figure out how to post in the Critique Requested section? If not, just a quick note: look at the very top left corner. Click on Story Penpal. Once you're there you should be able to scroll down past the "Hello-Introduction" section. The 2nd section is the one you want. Just open it and start a new thread there with your story.

If there's something in particular that you're wanting help with, it's been suggested that you put that down so folks will know what type of feedback you're looking for.

Best regards,

Peg


If you reply to this email, your message will be added to the discussion below:
http://story-penpal.1118678.n5.nabble.com/I-must-be-really-thick-skulled-tp5630p5848.html
To unsubscribe from I must be really thick skulled., click here.
NAML


John Yeoman John Yeoman
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Re: I must be really thick skulled.

Have you not read the critiques on your 'hump day' story, Ray? There have been several to date. Or are you referring to a new story?
RosannaMarie RosannaMarie
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Re: I must be really thick skulled.

I also wondered why Ray was annoyed since I also gave him feedback on his story. 
elizabeth elizabeth
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Re: I must be really thick skulled.

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Okay Ray, I'll be your partner if you want to.  Let me share this with you, I  wrote 900 pages of backstory but didn't know that and kept on trying to fix it: not possible. Sooo I set myself up to learn structure (actually nowadays I volunteer teaching structure). I last posted, I think it was chapter one, and it wasn't good, but once I received feedback I changed the entire chapter and now it reads well. (I may post both of them so that people can see how much a critique  can help us).

When he told me it would be better to read a simple account of the setting and remove all the technical  information, I did just that. But, of course one needs to trust the beta reader opinion and one needs to understand the comment and know how to fix it (beta readers can give opinions too).

So, that give you a bit of my background when it comes to writing: I improve everyday!

It also tells you I am no longer in first draft mode, even though we all write in first draft mode, I am quick to repair it.

If a reading partnership may interest you, then let me know. We can either post a Summary of our story or a first chapter and see if we are a match.
Thank you for taking the time reading my email,
Wishing you a blessed day,
Elizabeth