My name is Michelle Moore. I'm new to the forum, excited to join you all, and cant wait to get started! I'm hoping to achieve 'story success' in every way in the next year and a half and I'm majorly impressed with Dr Yeoman's advice. Hopefully he can inspire us all!
Hi Peggles and thanks for replying. I know we've only just met, but I have a flash fiction story to enter. I'm afraid that I might have made Mr. Yeoman sigh as it came up all encrypted and I submitted it twice! :( Please can you help me to transfer it into the competition? Thanks. M.
This message went to my spam box, not sure why? I'm really glad I've managed to put some things 'out there' for all to read if they want to! I hope all is well with you? And Pat was right, it really is near Salisbury!
On Saturday, 9 July 2016, 21:22, Bea [via Story PenPal] <[hidden email]> wrote:
Welcome, Michelle. Good for you for submitting your story to the competition. Were you finally able to submit it?
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What a fabulous, heart-breaking story. So well written. So cunning. The priests his journey (especially the cool ocean breeze) and the way the poor have been described is spot on. Along with the arid, desperate state of the land. The build up was fantastic, and not knowing which way it was going to go. It was great. There are some suggestions. These might look like a lot, but as I don't know how to download it and highlight it, the suggestions will come in little bursts with some words so you'll hopefully know where to find it. Things in brackets are what's wrong or suggested. They are done in sequence, from start to finish: Niether (AA)? the priests bathe in(,) something Baal(,) the god flocks,(whilst) trying give (to) their children mother(,) Donayiya dressed in rags(.) She had baby (and) was in tears(.)Shetruned to sobs(,) 'Keret, him('.)--the full stop is outside the smart quote extra space before Keret whispered(,) 'I know my dear Donatiya(.) I behind(,) Keret I'd suggest that when it comes to the line about:- It took him two full days:- I'd be tempted to revise it, as you say it took two full days then mention day again in the same sentence? way he looked(,) of his filthy beard and hair extra spacing before Beggars lost on Ketet(.) (Then he) said to him(,) 'So (The priest said) is not needed I'd be tempted to start with Keret nodded? AFTER the word awe. I'd be tempted to pull up the next line to follow on-Then the priest added and your wife(,) together to (thegod) Baal notice. (Maybe should have done--I don't think is needed? which (seemed--appeared-) might be a better word?--to be covered eyes(,) she just 'There's nothing at all like this('your smart quote is before the end of her sentence) in Elba(,)(') she whispered speak(.) (He) was unable to speak afternoon(.) (and--I'd not put the word and here?) The priests haunches(,) fire raging air extra spacing before A temple arms(,) handing him to hysterically(.) gates(and--I'd leave out the and?)(.) (T)hey well(,) Keret Abiram(,) wrapped screaming(.) suggestion-- in fear is understandable. However, the idea of what was going to happen I'd take out, as a baby wouldn't have any clue at that age anyway, so it speaks for itself? crowd(,)shielded by frenzy(.) The drums beating frenetically--was this right? Or was the word meant to be 'frantically'? arrogant (H)igh (Priest)--Please check the capitals on the other mentions of his title, as they might be missing- with the women(,--I'd be tempted to put a (.) here, then)- (H)e stepped priests(.) (He) let go son(,) who slipped fire(.) (T)he golden (bull--(B)ull) in the fire child extra spacing here Abiram my only son(.)' As he sobbed-- there's no ,. - corpse(.) As the horrified wives watched(,) (it) pecked out Kerets husband(,) some belly(,) but the
I really hope this helps? You might like some of the visions of Egypt later on in my novel, just for your own enjoyment, if you like this sort of thing? And the High Priest's rituals may be of interest? Not until chapter seven though I think! If its not your thing, there are a couple of shorter stories on there if you'd kindly critique my work please?
On Sunday, 10 July 2016, 12:11, Pat Linum [via Story PenPal] <[hidden email]> wrote:
Just off Salisbury Plain Wiltshire. Turn right off A303 if you are London
In a message dated 09/07/2016 20:22:51 GMT Daylight Time,
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Middle Wallop really a place? Where?
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