greetings all from Middle Wallop!

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michelle moore michelle moore
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greetings all from Middle Wallop!

My name is Michelle Moore. I'm new to the forum, excited to join you all, and cant wait to get started! I'm hoping to achieve 'story success' in every way in the next year and a half and I'm majorly impressed with Dr Yeoman's advice. Hopefully he can inspire us all!  
peggles peggles
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Re: greetings all from Middle Wallop!

Welcome  Michelle,
you've come to the right place. This forum is chock full of advice and friendly guidance.
Do post something soon and see.



peggles
michelle moore michelle moore
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Re: greetings all from Middle Wallop!

Hi Peggles and thanks for replying. I know we've only just met, but I have a flash fiction story to enter. I'm afraid that I might have made Mr. Yeoman sigh as it came up all encrypted and I submitted it twice! :( Please can you help me to transfer it into the competition? Thanks. M.
peggles peggles
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Re: greetings all from Middle Wallop!

Hello again,
Nearly everyone has trouble at first till they learn to navigate to site . Once you get it it's so easy.

For the competition click on new topic on section then copy and paste your story and click send.

If you are still struggling email John direct with file he will post it for you.

Best of luck



peggles
michelle moore michelle moore
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Re: greetings all from Middle Wallop!

Hello Peggles, it's Michelle Moore again.

I've been trying to contact you about the betta readers. If you are still interested in critiquing my work, please will you kindly send me your contact details so that I can send the (novel) to you?

Thank you!

M.
Pat Linum Pat Linum
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Re: greetings all from Middle Wallop!

In reply to this post by michelle moore
I have been there and lunched ther.

Welcome; nay thrice welcome

This forum will make you think.

PL
Bea Bea
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Re: greetings all from Middle Wallop!

In reply to this post by michelle moore
Welcome, Michelle. Good for you for submitting your story to the competition. Were you finally able to submit it?
Bea Bea
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Re: greetings all from Middle Wallop!

In reply to this post by michelle moore
PS Is Middle Wallop really a place? Where?
Pat Linum Pat Linum
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Re: greetings all from Middle Wallop!

Just off Salisbury Plain Wiltshire. Turn right off A303 if you are London bound
 
PL
 
In a message dated 09/07/2016 20:22:51 GMT Daylight Time, [hidden email] writes:
PS Is Middle Wallop really a place? Where?


If you reply to this email, your message will be added to the discussion below:
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michelle moore michelle moore
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Re: greetings all from Middle Wallop!

In reply to this post by Bea
Sorry Bea,

This message went to my spam box, not sure why? I'm really glad I've managed to put some things 'out there' for all to read if they want to! I hope all is well with you? And Pat was right, it really is near Salisbury!

Kind regards,

M.


On Saturday, 9 July 2016, 21:22, Bea [via Story PenPal] <[hidden email]> wrote:


Welcome, Michelle. Good for you for submitting your story to the competition. Were you finally able to submit it?


If you reply to this email, your message will be added to the discussion below:
http://story-penpal.1118678.n5.nabble.com/greetings-all-from-Middle-Wallop-tp5950p6169.html
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michelle moore michelle moore
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Re: greetings all from Middle Wallop!

In reply to this post by Pat Linum
What a fabulous, heart-breaking story. So well written. So cunning. The priests his journey (especially the cool ocean breeze) and the way the poor have been described is spot on. Along with the arid, desperate state of the land. The build up was fantastic, and not knowing which way it was going to go. It was great.
There are some suggestions. These might look like a lot, but as I don't know how to download it and highlight it, the suggestions will come in little bursts with some words so you'll hopefully know where to find it. Things in brackets are what's wrong or suggested. They are done in sequence, from start to finish:
Niether (AA)? the priests
bathe in(,) something
Baal(,) the god
flocks,(whilst) trying
give (to) their children
mother(,) Donayiya dressed in rags(.) She had
baby (and) was in tears(.)Shetruned to
sobs(,) 'Keret,
him('.)--the full stop is outside the smart quote
extra space before Keret
whispered(,) 'I know my dear Donatiya(.) I
behind(,) Keret
I'd suggest that when it comes to the line about:- It took him two full days:- I'd be tempted to revise it, as you say it took two full days then mention day again in the same sentence?
way he looked(,) of his filthy beard and hair
extra spacing before Beggars
lost on Ketet(.) (Then he) said to him(,) 'So
(The priest said) is not needed I'd be tempted to start with Keret nodded?
AFTER the word awe. I'd be tempted to pull up the next line to follow on-Then the priest added
and your wife(,) together
to (thegod) Baal
notice. (Maybe should have done--I don't think is needed?
which (seemed--appeared-) might be a better word?--to be covered
eyes(,) she just
'There's nothing at all like this('your smart quote is before the end of her sentence) in Elba(,)(') she whispered
speak(.) (He) was unable to speak
afternoon(.) (and--I'd not put the word and here?) The priests
haunches(,) fire raging
air extra spacing before A temple
arms(,) handing him to
hysterically(.)
gates(and--I'd leave out the and?)(.) (T)hey
well(,) Keret
Abiram(,) wrapped
screaming(.) suggestion-- in fear is understandable. However, the idea of what was going to happen I'd take out, as a baby wouldn't have any clue at that age anyway, so it speaks for itself?
crowd(,)shielded by
frenzy(.) The drums
beating frenetically--was this right? Or was the word meant to be 'frantically'?
arrogant (H)igh (Priest)--Please check the capitals on the other mentions of his title, as they might be missing-
with the women(,--I'd be tempted to put a (.) here, then)- (H)e stepped
priests(.) (He) let go
son(,) who slipped
fire(.) (T)he
golden (bull--(B)ull) in the fire
child extra spacing here Abiram my only son(.)' As he sobbed-- there's no ,. -
corpse(.) As the horrified wives watched(,)
(it) pecked out Kerets
husband(,) some
belly(,) but the

I really hope this helps? You might like some of the visions of Egypt later on in my novel, just for your own enjoyment, if you like this sort of thing? And the High Priest's rituals may be of interest? Not until chapter seven though I think! If its not your thing, there are a couple of shorter stories on there if you'd kindly critique my  work please? 
 


On Sunday, 10 July 2016, 12:11, Pat Linum [via Story PenPal] <[hidden email]> wrote:


Just off Salisbury Plain Wiltshire. Turn right off A303 if you are London bound
 
PL
 
In a message dated 09/07/2016 20:22:51 GMT Daylight Time, [hidden email] writes:
PS Is Middle Wallop really a place? Where?


If you reply to this email, your message will be added to the discussion below:
http://story-penpal.1118678.n5.nabble.com/greetings-all-from-Middle-Wallop-tp5950p6170.html
To unsubscribe from greetings all from Middle Wallop!, click here.
NAML



If you reply to this email, your message will be added to the discussion below:
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